Mr. President, we have Catfish Elvis Von Nessie on line 1. He says it's about the sour kraut again.

I have a folder of emails that I've moved from my normal inbox to remind myself of the more outlandish, babblingly incoherent  insanity that some potential "clients" expect. Generally, they include the phrase "we can't pay you, is that ok?" Often times, they follow that with an expectation, a phrase that attempts to lock you into doing the work whether you're interested in working for free (an oxymoron, like "jumbo shrimp" or "cleanest rest stop on the Jersey turn pike"). They may include, "so, we'll see you there!" or "let us know if you need anything else before the shoot," something friendly and polite that tells you, yeah, they still expect me to show up. Sometimes, they're a bit more aggressive. Sometimes, they're just plain weird.

This is the email that made me decide to start this collection of stories. I'll start with a bit of explanation.

I respond to a lot of Craigslist ads looking for videographers, editors, camera operators, of all-in-one video productions, knowing full well when I walk in that this is the waterlogged wood pulp under your fingernails from the bottom of the barrel. These people have seen what a videographer's normal rate is in their area (generally DC), said "screw that, that's preposterous!" and assume they can find someone for 1/10 of that by posting a simple Craigslist ad. Judging from how many people respond to these ads, it probably works, but to what end? More on that later, I'm sure. Still, I can always hope that the average poster has common sense, a scrap of dignity, and a bit of courtesy and respect for their fellow man. It's probably very similar to the hope a Miss America contestant has their her lifelong hope for "world peace!" will actually be met with... well, world peace. Slim chance, sugar.

This particular poster was looking for a "broadcast camera" and an operator for it. There was little information, except that this person would need government security clearance, or as they put it, "secret service clearance," which I have from my work as a security guard for a government contractor (not shown: photo of me, the last person you'd ever expect to secure, guard, or otherwise protect anything except their own virginity).

My resume and cover letter include my location, an explanation of my frequency with which I shoot in and around DC, the specifications of my current camera, which shoots to tape and digital card, and for this particular ad, my security clearance level. It appears the poster didn't read the resume.

This was their response. I have no altered any grammar, spelling, or content.


"not seeing the things I asked about in the ad

So I guess instead of passign you over I will have to waste tiem goign through them one by one

but it's hard to hire soemoen who has trouble following directions so let's try to get on the same page

Have you ever been cleared for a secret service check

if so can you prove that?

lot of non broadcast cameras shot what they call 720 and 1080

tell me what camera you have?

are you shooting tape?

you mention in the ad due to your loctaion you go into DC often

where are you located. I am really looking for a guy who lives in DC.

and most important I don't see a price or bid.

normally the first thing I do is type a name and number into a google search but I am not getting any of the info I asked about, so not ready to waste time with google search before I have your name run through Secret Service, which I can really only do once. I asked about prove because I need someone who has done it before"

 

I followed up with the requested information, despite it being in my resume. A scathing, patronizing, and belittling email followed, to which I told them I would not be interested in the job. I was going to leave this post at their original email, but I just received a follow-up that smacks of crazed anti-government basement dweller with delusions of grandeur, and I wanted to include it. Expect this man to be climbing a clock tower near you. Enjoy this snippet.

"don't you get who the meeting is with if I ask about secret service. the group you woudl have been video tpaign goes a few miles a way to a place where this guy lives and works in a house rigth by captial hill

maybe oen day you will be ina  psotion to video tape the leader of the free world but I doubt it"

I hope this makes you day seem more sane by comparison. America, hell yeah.