Thursday, January 12, 2012

Child Protective Services Will Pay... In Irony

So, I saw a very plain, very undetailed ad for a videographer. It didn't have an email address, just a phone number. I assumed it was either someone who needed work very desperately, probably last minute, or a prank.

No I'm not giving away free fucking iPhones, who is this?

I gave them a call, and the woman seemed... well, like she needed someone immediately. Since there was no email, she hadn't seen my reel or resume, but had already launched into how to get me to New York so we could start shooting. Then she hoisted the first red flag.

"I don't have a computer."

Turns out, she got a friend to list her ad for her. I get it, some people aren't tech savy, and especially older generations... but's it's 2012. Computers are in approximately 98% of all households, and this woman is in the city that never sleeps.

Because of internet porn.

So, then she wastes no time in making me not only her videographer, but her business partner.

"I need to do some bikini modeling to raise money. To pay you. And for the film."

Mind you, at this point, I didn't even know what the project was. So, I now know it's a film. I also now know that this woman is slightly imbalanced.

...But I'm way too damn nice, and that is quickly exploited.

"I need you to post a listing on Craigslist saying I'm available for modeling."

...First of all, I don't want to make too many assumptions or sound judgmental, but this woman is pretty obviously in her 40s or older. I'm not saying that older women can't be attractive or can't model and do so successfully, but... the fact that that's her go-to way to earn a little extra scrill on the fly, for some reason, not only seems a little batshit, but it also gives me the heebie-jeebs.

So, anyway, I politely agree, mostly so I can get off the phone with this woman and decide how to handle her better later, after some very strong coffee and Wikipedia's entry on delusional disorders.

She then asks me to post a second listing for actors...

For the film she wants me to work on, that I know literally nothing about.

I tell her she could always go to the library to use a computer for free, so she could list the ads as she saw fit.

She quickly dismisses that idea like a used car dealer distracting you from a hanging muffler.

"I don't have time for the library, I'm so busy writing this script."

Wait a second... she's not finished pre-production? I need out.

I tell her she can text me what she wants written in the ad. This is the text I get back 20 minutes later.

That's right.

The name of the film is "CPS Worker Rapes My Child."

I asked her to clarify, and she simply said "I sent you the ad." I said, "yes, but I have no idea what the last part means."

She promptly called me an explained, "CPS Worker Rapes My Child, that's the name of the movie! You have to add that to the listing! An actor just called and said the ad had no mention of CPS Worker Rapes My Child! You've gotta add it, you know, look how interested you are, that'll mean everyone else will be even more interested!"

Please, don't confuse my subtle blend of confusion and pants-shitting horror for interest.

At that point, I played along to see what the hell happens. It's like a ride at this point, like Expedition Everest if every 3rd car decided to go off that fake broken track.

Donner, party of 87?

My only assumption is that this woman is a lunatic and a parent, and those two things didn't settle well together with Child Protective Services. She had her spawn taken from her, and this script is her revenge.

Think of it like The Room and what I assume happened to make Tommy Wiseau create that masterpiece: someone screwed him over, and he made a movie that played out like the story, only dialed to 11. In it, he's the perfect boyfriend and best friend, his best friend and girlfriend who hurt him are all around shitty people, and he kills himself in the end, unlike real life where he lives on to be the director of the shittiest drama ever.

I'll show them by making this movie... then becoming some sort of alien.

Now imagine Tommy Wiseau as a woman in her 40s who still thinks she is a swimsuit model, and can get paid enough for it to fund a feature film, and just had her progeny stolen from her by the diabolical United States government.

Why would you NOT want to be involved in that film?

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