For The Glory of God

I've had fewer posts lately... which, frankly, is good, because it means fewer weirdos have emailed me. I have a few I'll post, but for today, I wanted to share something related.

After a fairly decent amount of work in July, I got a little excited that maybe summer would produce a lot of freelance work. August didn't fare so well... at all. I'm reminded slightly what American poverty tastes like.

It tastes a lot like eating the melted cheese off the box, because it's technically a "microwave-safe dish"

I am selling my previous camera because I'm working with a new one. The current price is very reasonable, well below what I've seen them go for recently, and it's on Ebay, so they'll rape me for about 10-15% of that. I got this message today on Ebay.

Honestly. I can't even make jokes about it. It's that straight forward. The irony is, the other interested party shoots porn, and had no problem offering a reasonable amount.

Trends of the Perpetually Useless

I'd like to put together a little list of do's and don'ts for people looking for video work. I've had this sitting on my desktop for a while, figured screw it, I'd share it. It's funny on it's own.

If you're hiring videographers, designers, or basically anyone for that matter, it's best to be a little less last minute than this.

Last-Ass Minute

I did a shoot this morning, fun work, out in the sun, good pay, very friendly client. Also shot along side another shooter friend that I brought along, so all in all, it was a good day. The client was a previous Redskins and Dolphins player, and surprisingly, my complete lack of knowledge of any kind of sports, including what the ball for each individual sport is shaped and sized like, didn't hurt the video.

Did you happen to play with Ray Finkle? He's... the only NFL player I've heard of.

I got a call while I was on the shoot and took it because I thought it might be the gig coordinator checking in. It was a "potential client" (I even end up doing air quotations when I say it out loud, because most of these people will NEVER be actual clients), and they needed someone for a feature film shoot. I told her I was a bit busy on a shoot, that didn't stop her!

"Yeah yeah, right, I get it, you're dedicated, moving on..."

She asked me a dozen questions about my background (all of which are answered in my resume) before telling me ANYTHING about the gig. She then said it started Monday, and paid $150 a day. For reference, today's shoot was somewhere around $300 for a half-day shoot, and a half-day shoot in the commercial world is a quarter-day shoot in the film world (average day on a film set being 12+ hours). I told her I wasn't so sure if I could do that for her, and asked how long the schedule was.

"It's a one month shoot, and a one month commitment."

I told her no, politely, but flat out. Who in the hell thinks they're going to get someone's entire July, a month full of hotdogs and things that you buy off the side of the road from a trailer and then set on fire, and also a freelance videographer's most productive time of the year, on three days notice for $150/day? No, thanks.

She told me they needed an editor, too, and I suggested I might still be available for that. She told me, "oh, we need someone who's going to be available all July to edit while we shoot, so it's done when we're done shooting... We have deadlines."

"I'm like the Rip Van Winkle of speedballs! Anyway, we're pretty pressed for time."

It's 9:45, and I just got another call. The "potential client" was very nice, but he wanted a HD shooter for... tomorrow morning. I told him I had rented my HD camera out for the weekend, and had an SD version available. That simply wouldn't do for him. I guess last-minute beggers CAN be choosers!

All I Ever Wanted

I went on vacation last week. Pleasant time was had by all. I still sent out resumes when there wasn't much else to do, and it paid off. I got a good, solid shoot out of it, and I'm glad I continued to apply for stuff when I was technically supposed to be laying back and doing all of jack and shit.

A pack of wild vacationers, hunting in packs. Clever girls.

There was one potential client who I responded to a listing for, and he called me almost immediately. This was Friday, my sweet, beautiful vacation ended Sunday. It seemed like a good sign. He needed someone to shoot for a girl's volleyball game, three days of shooting total and editing. He followed this by, "how much would you charge, because I'm just not going to pay, like, $300 or something crazy for it." At this point, I knew pretty well I wasn't interested. $300 for three days of shooting, and then editing all that material and producing the number of DVDs he wanted, would be considerably less than minimum wage when dividing the hours of work into the compensation offered, and three days of travel alone would almost reduce that very low offer to half... And that's what he thought was TOO MUCH.

So I told him, plainly, I'd have to ask considerably more than that, more than twice that. Even that, for three days or work and editing, is low for a freelance videographer, but I figured that would send him hanging up quicker than Takeru Kobayashi could eat five hotdogs.

Allow me to assure you, that's fast.

That's when he said something incredibly explanatory of his intentions: "well, alright, we need someone, so whatever." His low offer was just in hopes of getting someone for insanely, mind-numbingly, nipple-chafingly cheap. Well, whatever. So I said sure. He told me, "alright, well, you'll need to be there at 10am tomorrow..."

 "Wait, wait, hold up..." - Dolf

He needed someone for THE NEXT DAY? The next three days? For that cheap? No wonder he called me so promptly.

I told him I wouldn't be available. He quickly hung up. An hour or so later, he asked me via email if I knew anyone else who was available last minute.

This prompted me to write something new. I'll take some time on it, but look for the Guide For Clients, a do and don't list of ways to approach getting freelance artists involved in your projects. This is one of the main points: Do expect things to take time, and allot it. Don't hire the day before, or the day of. You'd be astounded by how many listings I see looking for people the SAME DAY, and sometimes for several day, or week, commitments. This is a prime example.

Others include "Do have cake; Don't eat the cake you've offered me."

Speaking of cake, it's Bruce Campbell's birthday. Hail to the king.

Evil Scientists and Bloated Bellies

I shot a video a few weeks to a month ago for a plastic surgery office. Everyone in the office, from the doctors to the staff, short a few employees, had plastic surgery. It reminded me an awful lot of that scene from Escape From LA.

 LA's "surgeon general," GET IT?!

Anyway, I recently got a call from the office saying one of the doctors wanted his interview reshot because he disliked, in hindsight, that he was in a white coat in front of a white wall. This meant driving to DC for a 2-minute reshoot of an interview and driving home with those terrifying images renewed in my brain. I disliked this idea. They also were offering a compensation that basically meant I'd have made my gas money back and little else. I'd almost be doing it for free. Mind you, this isn't MY client, but a client of the company which I shoot for occasionally.

I offered to colorize the background, but they disliked that idea.

Really? Are you sure?

On the flip side, I had an excellent client yesterday who treated me entirely opposite of most of the people I've shot for through this company, by which I mean he treated me like a competent, intelligent individual rather than a meandering, drooling gruntworker. He even offered to take me to lunch for my efforts, which I can honestly say was one of the nicest things any client has ever done. In casual conversation, he mentioned the price he paid the company for the video. 

I won't name specifics, but I will say that the office does the initial contact and final revisions on the video, while I do the travel, shooting, in-person communication, editing, and submission. This takes, on average, about 10 hours per video. By my math, I make about 7% of what the company sees from each video. If I weren't so full of delicious lunch, still, I'd be agast and relentlessly angry.

The plus side to stomach distension is being full for days. Anger uses too many precious calories, so now I can't afford food OR fury.

Stuff

I just got a check for $315 for the "deferred payment" job. It took a few extra phone calls, which generally ended with "yeah, I'm signin' em as we speak!"

 And I'm totally not fully of shit. I've signed this check six times over two weeks, I promise.

Things are lookin' up!

Also, any other videographers ever have a client who gets fresh and friendly with the camera, presuming to ask where various manual controls are and adjusting the tripod to set up a shot rather than asking you, the educated professional, to set it up for them? I met this kind of client for the first time recently, and I must say, I was pretty surprised. He said he was an "amateur photographer," so I guess that's where the behavior came from, assuming the equipment was the same. Presuming that it's acceptable to do so, however, is pretty ridiculous. If someone were to do this with a different profession, I think they'd quickly run into trouble, and by "trouble," I mean a man of considerable size who would like to hand their ass to them for being a doofus.

So, I'm going to pay for my pizza, and after that, I'm gonna go back and make it myself, cool? Also, I'm going to deliver it to me, so I need to remember to tip myself.

Also, I got this email today. I felt like it was a pretty good standard for what Craigslist emails are like.

The potential client (I use that phrase vaguely, because it can range from "someone who's likely to be a client" to "a drooling marsupial who wants pretty picatures for a Ruby Tuesdays gift card") posted a listing looking for a "Music Video Editor." I sent them my cover letter and resume.

They responded. No hello, no greeting or closing, just a list of the three music videos they wanted done, song titles and general ideas for the video. Not particular articulate.

I asked if they had a budget for the project (not for ME, or other crew members, for the project costs), any other crew, etc, or if he still needed a shooter and director.

He responded.

All I need is someone to record it,edit it and get it up on youtube.What do you think I need?

Remember, he was looking for an EDITOR originally, someone to edit the final project from the ALREADY SHOT material. Then, he made it obvious that he was still in pre-production, at which point I asked some pretty straightforward questions. That was his response.

This is the equivalent of going into a auto paint shop, telling them you need your car painted, and then letting them know that you have extra needs beyond the description of their services on their fucking sign out front.

I need a new engine, my brakes checked, and the gunshot hole in the windshield drilled so it'll stop cracking... Then you can repaint it. Deal?

Labor not included

I was contracted for a job that I completed last night. It was pretty unusual, but it wasn't too bad at all. I brought along another videographer and we shot on either side of an MMA fighting ring, recording the fights and simultaneously broadcasting our feed to the big screens for the audience. 23 fights. Pretty ridiculous.

I've had enough testosterone for a month, I need to watch The Notebook promptly.

Aside from the fairly usual "oh, I conveniently forgot to read the invoice or contract before you got here and I have issues with it (don't want to pay for various things)," everything went pretty smoothly. The client was pretty nice, no real problems, except for my balance and ability to stand on a platform the size of a four square section that's attached to the ring, and therefore moved about when the fighters do, and do handheld camera operation while holding on for dear life. The trouble came when we were about to leave, and waiting for payment.

The client said, "alright, a few things," which never means good stuff is about to come out of their mouth. At that point in the job, there shouldn't be "a few things" to discuss, unless they'd like to talk about each monetary bill individually and their aesthetic merits.

"Seriously, dude, if you fold it just right, you can see the twin towers... but beavers railing eachother is still funnier."

There weren't really "a couple things." What he told us was that one of his employees was headed to them ATM to get our payment, and that we "still needed to help them tear down their equipment, as was part of the agreement." This was never "part of the agreement," nor is it a videographer's job to help another production company tear down their station, dozens of lights and speakers, truss, and other equipment and load several tons of it into a panel van. He did say, at one point, that if we had extra time before shooting and they still needed help setting up, he'd pay us to assist. However, this wasn't in writing (phone conversation), and "part of the agreement" doesn't smack of "pay us" for the added labor. I didn't argue it, because he had already made a fuss about having to compensate us for gas and tapes as per the invoice and contract, so I figured we'd help them throw some stuff in the van. Add to that, we had foolishly handed in our tapes to the PA as we shot, so we had no leverage. He had our work in full, completed, and we had nothing in return. That was before I realized all the lights and truss was theirs.

 "Octamania," no longer limited to tentacle porn festivals or witty nicknames for one's penis.

Four hours later, we had loaded the panel van and a secondary truck with equipment. We collect our cash, a few dollars short of the invoice and without any extra payment for the labor, and we head home.

From now on, we're holding tapes and other media until we're paid in full, and I've added "for legal and insurance purposes, we cannot do labor for other production companies unless contracted and paid" to our contract. Lesson learned.